Dear Man Hollering at Me Across the Street,
Yes, I hear you. And I just have to ask: why? Why are you yelling vulgar things at me? I don't know you. We aren't on that level. Heck— I'm not even on that level with some of the people I live with, let alone some stranger on the street.
And I know that this gym outfit and no makeup ensemble isn't giving a lift to your nether regions. So why? Why the need to whistle, hoot and holler? Why the offensive language and porno slang? I'm not even going to ask if that actually works for you, because I know there is no way that it does. So why keep carrying on? Clearly you don't understand the meaning of trial and error, or you would have tried a different technique by now.
Oh, and let's talk about the gestures. Stop— just stop. Stop beckoning at me like I'm a pet dog, and stop rubbing your body when I pass by because it makes everyone uncomfortable. Please keep your personal thoughts to yourself. In fact, use this rule of thumb if you're unsure that you're toeing the line: If you wouldn't say it in front of your mother, don't say it out loud. Oh, and I thought that this was pretty obvious, but evidently not: don't touch.
A guy once grabbed my ass one time and you know what I did? I shoved him and threatened him with mace until he apologized to me in front of his friends. And that was just because that was the first time someone had ever done that— I wasn't ready. Next time, I'll be ready. I won't threaten you with mace, I will empty the entire damn bottle into your filthy-ridden pupils. I will stick around to watch while you scream in agony and clamor at your frothing eyelids. If you're lucky I might hand you a kleenex. Don't touch me.
You know how alcoholics and addicts do the 12-step program? I think you should do something similar. I want you to look at the 12-step program and apply it to your street harassment. I'll break it down for you:
1. Admit that you CAN control what you say and do with your facial expressions, hands and the rest of your body in public.
2. Recognize a higher power that can give you strength.
3. Examine past errors with the help of someone who can control their public behavior (i.e. a gentleman).
4. Make amends for these errors by apologizing to past victims you've sexually harrassed and give only appropriate compliments to passersby.
5. Learn to live with a new life and a new code of behavior.
6. Help others who suffer from the same dangerous behavior.
There— that doesn't seem so hard, right? You're welcome.
Mace you later,